It's not that easy to share your life with other people who's completely anonymous to you and it's harder to share the 'dark side' of you. But, I challenged myself to share what I felt and have been battling all these times. I think you've read the title clearly. I have anxiety. Specifically, Social Anxiety Disorder. Before we go deep into my story, I just want you to know that the reason I'm sharing this story with you guys is not for seeking any attention or sympathy. I don't even need that. I just want people to realize that mental illnesses or mental disorders can be as severed as physical illnesses and should not be underestimated. What you may not know is that it actually affected millions of people around the world.
At first, I didn't know that I have this type of mental disorder. I thought that I just exhausted with things that happening around me and actually I first discover that I have depression not anxiety. I self diagnosed myself with this one 'test' that actually been used to diagnose many patients from around the world and you can check it here. I really wanna what's going on with me.
Many people said that they are depressed when they are sad or having a bad day including us but 'feeling depressed' and 'actually have clinical depression' are two different things. When you're actually have depression you will feel sad and depressed for weeks or months and sometimes feel like there's no hope left for you in this world. Some people even feel like they rather die or having a suicidal thought. I've felt all of that.
So, after I took the test, I discovered that I have mild to severe depression. On that time, I feel like the world is tumbling down. Even though I'm not officially been diagnosed by the professional but still the result broke my heart. Eager to know about my 'disorder', I done some researches through the articles provided by WebMD and other health sites about depression. After a few readings, I discovered that usually people who's depressed will also have anxiety. So, I made some readings about anxiety.
After few months, I started thinking about another thing. Why am I having a difficult time with social life and why am I so afraid of other people thoughts about me and why I have these irrational fears like eating in front of people and why am I afraid of people? This is just suddenly jump out of my mind. Then, I got a recalled about my anxiety and wondering does my anxiety is actually more than that.
I started to type my 'question' on Google. Then, I found out that ta daa.. I have Social Anxiety Disorder a.k.a Social Phobia. Now I know why every time I'm in a social situation like in class, school, or any places that have human beings I would be so scared and my anxiety symptoms -sweaty palms, fast heart beats and many more- would come.
People with Social Anxiety Disorder actually suffer from an intense fear of being humiliated in any types of social situation. We're actually worry that people would judge us or being messed up when doing something in front of people especially with people that we're just met. We're also excessively self-conscious about ourselves. Most people self-conscious about themselves but for us we're not just worry about the way we look -like most people do- but we're self-conscious about everything. We're also try to avoid any types of social situations so that it could reduce our level of stress and anxiety. But, it doesn't mean that we're anti-social or shy and trust me most of us not afraid of doing public speaking or any type of conversation even though we're still have that fear of embarrassing ourselves and even though we feel it extremely hard to do.
This may sounds unrealistic but this is the truth. Everyday life outside of my home and my comfort zone is nearly impossible especially if I have to meet people. Going to school everyday is also hard for me. I'm not literally afraid of people I just afraid of your thoughts, judgement and even your first impression of me. Some of you may wonder why don't I seek help from professionals. I actually not really ready for that. Right now, I'm just gonna overcome it myself and just heal myself slowly. Besides, I don't want to take any medications if it possible. I've planned to meet a therapist but I'm just gonna wait till I'm 'free'.
Most people thought that I should talk about this thing to someone close like friends and family. But, you know what I've tried it and it doesn't help me even a little bit. I want someone who'll just listen and not giving me these advises and tell me how am I supposed to handle it and not being bias. I think it's not just me but also everyone who has mental disorder just want you to only listen or even said some encouraging words like: 'You're gonna be okay' or 'I'm gonna be here with you'.
Lastly, to all people who suffered from mental disorder regardless what disorder you have -anxiety, ADHD, OCD, depression or anything like that-, never think that you're alone. Like I said before, many people around this world feel what you're feeling right now. Even though it's hard to find someone like you around you, it still doesn't mean that you're the only one who has this or that.
To all people reading this, I just wanna say thank you for 'listening' to me. Trust me, it really made my day.
More info about Social Anxiety Disorder -click here-
More info about Mental Disorder -click here-